2018

If I choose my path again and set my course for life,
I'd even shed the tender parts that shone with light above,
I'd take a few more pills or would cut deeper with a knife,
Than be poisoned by your romance and the redaction of your love.

Saturnalia Suicide

Sunless Sabbath of Sacred Saturn,
Relentlessly Reflecting Reasons to Regret my Ridiculous Reverie,
of Marriage betwixt Malevolent Men,
Forsake my Fledgling Folly-
Feast upon this Foolish Fancy:

My bleary eyes cast upward in affection,
Gaze on passing lights across an achromatic avenue,
An orchestra gallery of loved ones-
some with tears-
some with worry,
My slightest response brings a smile to the man forefront to an illuminated retable,
Salt air bellows down the frozen flue,
Carrying with it traces of foam from-
the violent crashing waves-
of a ruled-by-Neptune maddened maw,
Not even a grimace when I feel a pinch-
from the ring weighing my oration ,
With hypocritic humor he recites his dearest devotion,
The crowd silences; barely breathing-
I smile as I let go of every care and embrace an ecumenial eternity.

And though it isn't quite how I imagined it,
My heartbreak finds neurotic solace in the irony:

My bleary eyes cast upward in akinesia,
Gaze on passing lights across an achromatic avenue,
An operating gallery of loved ones-
some with tears-
some with worry,
My slightest response brings a smile to the man forefront to a surgery retable,
Salt water bellows down the vulnerable viscera,
Carrying with it seizures of foam from-
the volemic crashing waves-
of my ruled-by-Neptune madman's mouth,
Not even a grimace when I feel a pinch-
from the oximeter reading my vitals,
With Hippocratic fervour he recites his dearest devotion,
The crowd silences; barely breathing-
I smile as I let go of every care and embrace an ego-driven eternity.

It's Better This Way (Villanelle)

Rejecting many chances since the route I chose was slow,
Demanding that you'd love me back or leave,
As my wretched breath's extinguished in the silence of the snow,

The cosmos crudely-spattered with each piece of me you throw,
Without the slightest comfort or reprieve,
Rejecting many chances since the route I chose was slow,

But did you ever love me? Because I'd truly like to know,
It's only one more thing for me to grieve,
As my wretched breath's extinguished in the silence of the snow,

Do you think I stand a chance above, or am I sentenced to below?
For the things I did with my heart upon my sleeve,
Rejecting many chances since the route I chose was slow,

When I reached the ends of being- I needed someone else to grow,
But nothing that I did made you believe,
As my wretched breath's extinguished in the silence of the snow,

Prepared, though sad, to face this and to reap just what I sow,
My end of days to quell a love I can't achieve,
Rejecting many chances since the route I chose was slow,
As my wretched breath's extinguished in the silence of the snow.

His undulating call to darkness bellows like some underwater incubus

Content,
merely to know the primordial call-
will ever-pierce your whitewashed fog,
your room of trashed men in disheveled fur coats,
your fervent manifestation-
the gestalt reality where you find peace,
shalt be torn asunder by my plea,
to see the shadows of the woman I know to be there meddling in the mists of power she pretends not to control

Lovers searching for her name etched amongst the stones

Thick tendrils of clove smoke,
Forming sealskin oil on my coat and gloves,
A cloud- thick, artificial, and cold,
Like burrowing my face in her tressels of peroxide hair,
Both of us reaching onto the transparent echoes of the children we no longer are.

Heartbeat

My vision stirs as the last breath leaves my chest,
In fear I try to push the crushing weight,
In the Voltaire world where all is for the best,

I try to hope that you are this depressed,
That loneliness may humble out the great,
My vision stirs as the last breath leaves my chest,

It seems I'm now the things I did detest,
Insecure- and a fool who took the bait,
In the Voltaire world where all is for the best,

This noxious pain drains me of my rest,
And bile curdles organs filled with hate,
My vision stirs as the last breath leaves my chest,

The bitter pith remains without the zest,
Sardonic mocking of a future date,
In the Voltaire world where all is for the best,

Despite the ruin some might say I'm blessed,
To have every manner of love just dissipate,
My vision stirs as the last breath leaves my chest,
In the Voltaire world where all is for the best.

5am

Only after a listless night in the dark,
do the muted colors of dawn,
burn like fire across the horizon

It comes for us all

The skin that once was coveted hangs from four untouched limbs,
the voice that warbled cheerily
no longer sings those hymns,

the breaths that drew in heavy
have not their lines of white,
the eyes that closed so sweetly
bleed and yellow through the night

the heart that cherished magic
seems to shrink beneath the bone,
the soul that once reached out to you
is dying here alone

Ideation

Pushing myself further
against the black precipice of death
is the only thing that still makes this weary heart beat faster
in the soul-shattering absence of your love

Damned

A sea of ruddy ichor,
Rust-colored and putrid,
Brushes over ankle-deep,
Melting the flesh, fusing toes,

A cloud of acrid miasma,
Greasy black and gunpowder gray,
Impales the sinner's lips,
Smashing through teeth, ripping roots,

A plague of pus and boils,
Eschar clinging to unhealing wounds,
Speads across my heart,
Rotting through chambers, seeking death

Kai

If I could explain the pain and the bliss,
Of spitting ash from my mouth from your nitrogen kiss,
Of the aches in my bones when we've just parted ways,
Of the swaying of trees that could entrance me for days,

If I could give you a taste of the splinters,
That pierce my heart and my eye in the darkest of winters,
That whisper thoughts of the dead in the earth with the roses,
That show the strings leading men and the danger each poses,

If I could drown you in the depths of this mire,
This palace of heartache and brimstone and fire,
This begotten island so lonely and pale,
These colors seen only by beings so frail

If I could sincerely ask you to die,
To take both our lives to return to the sky,
To return to the dewdrops, return to the frost,
To become something with meaning in something so lost.

The terms and conditions contract of a Dancer's fickle love

I would drink any liquid that could drown out the voices,
I would shoot up these veins just to live with my choices,
I would smoke any base that could make a bass louder,
I would snort up oblivion if it came in a powder.
I would search for the dose that felt just like your kissing,
But I blew past that point and still hurt from what's missing.

Irregular heartbeat for over an hour

I would never begrudge that you don't know this feeling,
when I cannot express it without barriers peeling,

I would never expect you to size up this burden,
To stop with your walls and get a last honest word in,

But maybe I wouldn't have pushed till I'm dying,
If sooner I'd seen any chance of you trying.

Wedding Planner

I used to reach for the strength of your hand,
Thought myself saved by a king with his fearsome command,
Saw those green eyes reflect just a touch of blue roses,
Misunderstanding the vision of blue-cheeked overdoses,
A perpesctive askewed by Piscean confusion,
We've been drowning each other in deepest delusion.

Union Pacific

Ribbed in iron,
clad in silver,
crowned in gold-
the false bind of ties for them all to behold,
the success, ornamental, like rust spreading on tin,
while mercury oxide fills the chambers within,
while it bubbles and leaches to brain and to bone,
how else could I handle that I'm always alone?
The despair in this wormed-heart of impending disaster,
Is placated each time that my mind's damaged faster,
At the thrill of the notion that this pain may be ending,
I can't hide from my sins and I can't keep pretending.

Ideation

Pushing myself further
against the black precipice of death
is the only thing that still makes this weary heart beat faster
in the soul-shattering absence of your love

Time

I don't see why or how you'd judge the choices that I've made,
when you aren't sinking into shores of tears and debts unpaid,
It's not your place to tell me that I've still got work to do,
When the angels of my family have come down to see this through,
How long can you ignore that somber longing in my eyes?
To melt to dew and dreams and dust and fade into the skies?
I completed all the labors that the gods had sketched in fate,
I reached for love when I was done but reached out far too late,
I don't see how or why you'd judge the choices that I've made,
Just as I can't judge the proper dose that ensures this heart stays frayed

Arachnophobia

I was never fond of spiders,
Long before I was tangled in a web of lies,
Broken down by dusk and woven up by moonlight,
Before I saw the competitive cannibalism of his friendships,
A solitary creature feasting on peers,
Before I was sized up against other prey,
Before I was saved for some later source of sustenance,
I was careful in attics and forests,
Before the venomous chelicerae grasped my neck,
Before I recoiled in fear at legs that couldn't move and a mouth that couldn't scream,
Before I watched the pieces of this body rot and spoil and burst open with maggots

The Depth

Accustomed to innate control of man,
I never knew insecurity,
until the violent fervor of my love,
jarred and recoiled off your nonplussed stare

A long five days between March 3rd and 8th

You've poisoned my hedonistic lust for sleep,
With ever-building anxiety and dread,
Thoughts of transient love I couldn't keep,
The thought of dying in this empty bed,

The years that took away my sense of wonder,
And ravaged my good looks with tired lines,
The electromagnetic rush of roaring thunder,
Loving blindly despite the warning signs,

I mistook you for a cusp against the fishes,
Hoping that inside you felt this strong,
That somewhere deep your world was made of wishes,
That time had nearly muted your sweet song,

I cannot blame your lack of understanding,
I merely wish you knew how all this felt,
The whispers of the cosmos all-comanding,
The advantage of the upper hand we're dealt,

The longing to submerge in something deeper,
This seawater love won't save a man from thirst,
You lack that empathy- you're still a heavy sleeper,
My delusions weren't for you to burst

Sick

Struggling, stumbling, searching,
searching to find the words,
words with a palpable meaning,
meaning adequate to describe this aching,
aching that compresses organs,
organs filled with acid and bile,
bile sharp and acrid from poor choices,
choices made to cope with the struggling,
struggling, stumbling, searching

Midnight Sun

The ashen sunrise from Autumnal dawn,
Arouses me to how much pain has spread,
The revelation of you being gone,
And silent wish that I was with the dead.

Desperate to quell the knife from twisting,
Agony in life that's spent alone,
Carry on this shell of life persisting,
Abusing every upturned rock and stone,

The flesh is seared and branded with your handprints,
A life you coveted and later cast aside,
Will this heart hurt less with further mends and treatments?
Or is it time to crash into the tide?

Necro-Neuro

The deliberate wash of anhedonia,
shudders in rushes between incredible pains,
of healthy vasculature shirking back under a battery acid blanket,
an arthritic swelling swirls in joints rotted with sparked synovial,
gnashing and grinding these graveyard gums,
words from witches heard in whispers- I feel them watching,
the wry wriggling of a wired-up water sign,
awaiting the anticipated accomplishment of atrial abnormalities,
A kiss even sweeter than yours'

Gears

Clockwork Soldier,
Standing tall and forged of lead and tin,
Growing older,
Paintjob running down as rust sets in,
Caring Master,
Every time he works he takes a part,
Stripping values,
To keep the pieces ticking in your heart,
Cosmic Dreamer
Clinging to paint chips, exhaust fumes, and lead,
Stauching heartache,
If I can't have you- there's this instead.

Closer

When you lean into my chest,
I smell the singeing rope around your neck,
When blue eyes hope for the best,
I see two bodies torn up from the wreck,
While you coast out toward the edge,
I hear her in the background in a rage,
When you fulfill your darkened pledge,
I taste the monster writhing in the cage

Hindrance of the Eclipse

The adder flicks its tongue,
Aiming at the fish's crown,
But expels with winded lung,
"You were better dead and down"

The crab defends with claws,
Airing out some undue strife,
"You were better when your cause,
was seeking out your end of life."

The howling winds stir up,
Strange emotions on the tide,
I cherished more your poisoned cup,
Coasting towards your suicide.

Gerda

There are Angels in Heaven and Angels in Hell,
Each with his wicked story to tell,
For the ancients are weighted with sins from long-living,
And the pain everlasting from giving and giving,

But the most devastating are the Angels on Earth,
Captive and carnal and doomed to feel mirth,
To live out their lives in woe loving others,
As a bystander shrouded by chains and by covers,

And blessed are those who are sought by these creatures,
With rings in their eyes and unusual features,
Who are given a chance to become something greater,
Blessed the harpy, blessed the satyr

The Angels on Earth who were doomed from the start,
To persish and wither from their delicate heart,
That shirks back in fear and feelings dejected,
With grievious misgivings never corrected.

Titan

I was made of smoke and ice before I chose this flesh,
I sought out men weak and nice and dug in wounds still fresh,
I brought down the moon and stars while still in virgin state,
I made love in speeding cars- searched sweaty palms for fate.

I bit down on leather straps because I won't submit,
I railed lines in squalid traps with
plans to never quit,
I drew blood with sharpened nails and dripped it down my chin,
I chewed things up but spit them out to keep this body thin.

I made the choice to leave behind
the world where I was God,
I met someone who stopped my heart
with a simple laugh and nod,
I gave my life so selflessly and
looked to them for the same,
I fell so deep in passion,
that I think I've lost the game.

Circe

Grinding down shards,
each with the capability,
to pay the debts of Hypnos,
arouse Aphrodite,
provoke Ares,
betray Selene,
and prompt Hades,
to draw forth sweet Charon

Unseemly Unseelie

I met a fallen angel with eyes of headstone gray,
with flecks of stormy blue that shows when eastern winds will bray,
she took upon her mantle a duty to save her mother's life,
a starcrossed fault,
underestimated gestalt,
the kind of girl who saves your soul but burdens with the strife

I watched this captive creature and her powers to create,
eagerly I felt her love, and fed upon her hate,
well-versed in the ancient way to enamor all her foes,
those hunger pangs,
and wicked fangs,
an empathetic journey of such volatile throes

I dreamt that all the fairies and all the hidden folk with wings,
were summonded to her court along with dark and eldritch things,
with circles of obsidian, of moonstone, and of quartz,
a sugar smile,
hidden all the while,
as she sinks a deadly knife into the enemy she thwarts

Boogeyman

Childlike fears
coming to manifest
as the real horrors
of ghosts from the past
lurking under the bed
skeletons in the closet
and monsters in the mirror

The Yearning of the Fishes

Muscles twinge,
fingers drumming across the nightstand,
unsure whether to clutch my chest or throat to-
staunch the ache of inability,
to share this human experience,
before there's nothing human left.

LC

Beware those Bad Boys Born in March,
Leave out those Ladies too,
the suicidal dreamers,
the eyes of brilliant hue,
the lust for drugs and money,
the frostbite fire touch,
the whispers of the forest,
the minds that know too much,
the mass manipulators,
the charming scented skin,
the horrors of their nightmares,
the monsters held within.
Beware those Bad Boys Born in March,
Leave out those Ladies too,
the wrath of fallen angels,
that make the old feel new

Pisces

Water sign,
with your fickle way,
the stars align,
as you examine your prey.

Wayward fishes,
with your deeper knowing,
the whispered wishes,
of a lust ever-growing,

Wicked sinners,
with your eyes set on magic,
the foolish beginners,
ready to start something tragic.

Hypnos

Shadows stretching southward, the Obelisk stands,
Head bent down averting sullen gaze,
As time wreaks havoc on the shifting sands,

Pearls and rubies pouring from his hands,
Spilling in a cream and crimson haze,
Shadows stretching southward, the Obelisk stands,

His serf stands waiting for his next  commands,
Vexed with love that only builds with days,
As time wreaks havoc on the shifting sands,

Tethered by arrythmic pulsing bands,
A hindrance for him from his heathen ways,
Shadows stretching southward, the Obelisk stands,

Wisdom imparted from traversing distant lands,
But lost and buried in these local bays,
As time wreaks havoc on the shifting sands,

The gossamer remnants of once-golden strands,
Are what this fallen demon man portrays,
Shadows stretching southward, the Obelisk stands,
As time wreaks havoc on the shifting sands.

Restless

Restless, tangled in a sheet,
refuge sought from summer heat,
bleary-eyed from lack of sleep,
and thoughts of one I couldn't keep

I fluff my pillow, rest my head,
on this expansive sea of lonely bed,
wishing you were in your space,
that sacred ground I can't replace

Black AuRA

I can make you feel the icy silence of the snow,
but rest assured a lonely night is why you want it though.

I can brush onto your skin the master painter's glow,
but once again I promise you don't really want to know.

I can taint your blood with sin as black as it'll go,
but oh my dear it's rather clear you want an ebb and flow.

I can tell a secret spell that takes away the woe,
but come the sun and when we're done I'll stunt your chance to grow.

I can trance you into dance and make you pitch and throw,
but limbs will brawl and down you'll fall when we go toe-to-toe.

With my stares I'll raise some hairs with wisdom like the crow,
but race your heart and then restart when the beats begin to slow.

With a running start I'll break your heart into pieces you can't sew,
but toll the bell to rip soul from shell and seal you down below.